Honesty Hour on Coveting: Ugly Sin, Beautiful Savior
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| Photo Credit: Shannon Giselle Photography |
This is a
topic I still don’t like to talk about much.
I continue to hear myself making jokes about it to others when the topic
comes up. Whether it’s about being a cat
lady into my 80’s or joking about writing to Tim Tebow as my back up plan, I’ve
found laughter to be my go-to defense for the ache and longing of a
relationship with a man who loves Jesus most.
If I can laugh at it, and joke about Farmersonly.com (and the awful, yet
catchy jingle that accompanies it), then I don’t have to admit that I want
something I don’t have. And yet, I’ve
realized that the joking in public is hiding how deep and dark the problem is
when I’m alone.
When you
start to believe the lie that God has forgotten about you, you
self-medicate. You try to make yourself
feel less alone. I’d started to follow
an Instagram account a while back called “HowHeAsked.” Bad idea, folks. Yes, I love stories. Seriously, stories are my jam. And at first, I was just captivated by all
the different ways God plays out our stories.
I loved to see how He brought two people together, how He used the both
of them to encourage one another and do life with each other, and how He
performs a miracle any time two people decide to enter into marriage (yes, I
truly believe it to be a miracle, because I still don’t understand how two
people can be on the same page at the same time in order to make a
life-altering decision of that magnitude).
But as I continued to be exposed to engagement stories left and right,
in addition to the staggering number of engagements of my friends (you really
don’t know how many friends you have until engagement season), I found myself
becoming obsessed. Whenever the account
posted a new story, I had to read it.
And after I did, I’d become wistful – wanting my story to be
different.
I’d look at
my married friends and wonder what it would be like to actually love someone. I’d notice myself getting jealous. I’d have to remind myself often that that’s
their story. I’d pray that God would
help me to be thankful for my own. And
yet, even as I consciously would count through the gifts He’s graciously
lavished upon me? The lies would pick up
a megaphone and become louder – trying to drown out the quiet voice of my
Father. You’re just too much. No guy
would want to be with you if they knew you, truly. Besides, if they did, you’d just say no. Remember all those people who have told you
you’re too picky? Yeah, they’re right.
You’ll just be alone forever.
Dang, this
post is getting real. Sorry, if it’s too
honest. But there is a reason I feel
compelled to share. You may be cringing
at me hanging all my dirty laundry out there, but I actually am not
ashamed. Why not? Because as my pastor continued to preach on
Romans 7, he pointed out that we are all sinners and we have no hope in
ourselves to save us from the death that sin leads to. Uplifting, right? My coveting – my wanting something I don’t
have – my anger over others getting engaged and believing that I’m just
forgotten – it’s to remind me that I can’t save myself. It’s jarring to realize that I am not the
perfect person I so often want to be.
There is absolutely nothing I can do to make myself righteous. I can’t, in my own power, stop sinning. My heart is sick. I think of myself far too often. I’m prideful.
I can be straight up mean. And
you’re the same.
“What
are you talking about, Ashley? I’m
fine. Maybe you have those issues, but I
don’t obsess over weddings. I’m not
you. You’re the one who watches Say Yes
to the Dress too much. You’re the one
who tries to convince yourself that because you’ve withstood test after test
that you somehow deserve a reward – and that reward should be someone to lean
on the next time a trial comes. Not
me. I’m fine.”
Be honest. You may not be obsessing over the same
thing. But you have your own
issues. You’re capable of hatred. You lie.
You can’t live up to the standards you have for other people (my pastor
spoke of this, too)…so how do you think you have what it takes to live up to
the standard God has for you? You are a
sinner. Just like me. We all have our things.
So what do we do? If we aren’t capable of saving ourselves, who
will? “Thanks be to God through Jesus
Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:25a) His
death on the cross is our only hope – His resurrection from the grave is our
victory. Because of Him, God’s standards
have been met – and when we find ourselves in Him, we’re made right. Because of His grace, I’m forgiven. He knows I’m going to continue to struggle
the rest of my life with sin. But
because of His blood, I’m saved from spilling my own. Sin no longer means death for me – it means
that I lean into His. I’m a beggar of
His grace. And this brings a thankfulness
that overshadows all selfish desires.
This is my hope. He is my Lord,
my friend, my Savior.
And this is why I will never shut
up about Him. This is why I’m willing to
look like a fool, and let others take a peek at my heart and mind. He is so, so
good and worthy of all praise. And He
wants to be your hope, too. He wants to
free you from the death that sin leads to.
He knows you can’t do this on your own, and He’s already gone to the
cross for you. He already has flung His
arms wide to welcome you into His family – to give you life. But are you willing to admit you need
help? Are you willing to recognize the
hard truth of your own sin? If you are,
that’s a gift from God.
My pastor finished the sermon with
singing Amazing Grace. I wept like a
baby in my room. I don’t need to reveal
this truth to anyone (no one saw me).
But, if you know me, I’m pretty open with how often tears flow. But why did I cry this time? I was overcome with a deep, deep
gratefulness. The words of the hymn
reverberated in my soul – and were truer for me than ever before. I know my Perfect Papa is giving me His very
best in every moment – and I’m so thankful for what He’s doing in my life. He hasn’t forgotten about me. I will continue to pursue knowing what victory
looks like in singleness as I walk through this season, and maybe when I learn
more I’ll share an update. But as for
now, I’ll leave you with the truth that I’m just a human who isn’t perfect, but
I’m forgiven by a perfect God – and I’m so thankful for the love of Jesus. I’ll continue to make mistakes and I’ll
continue to miss the mark. But no matter
where I fall, I know I’m safe in the amazing grace of Christ.
Oh, and I stopped following
HowHeAsked.
“What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no
means! Yet if it had not been for the
law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to
covet if the law had not said, ‘You shall not covet.’” Romans 7:7
“But Zion said, ‘The
LORD has forsaken me; my LORD has forgotten me.’ ‘Can a woman forget her nursing child, that
she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget,
yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my
hands, you walls are continually before me.” Isaiah 49:14-16
“For the Lord comforts Zion; he comforts all her waste
places and makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the
LORD, joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of
song.” Isaiah 51:3
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