Reclaiming Victory: Staying in the Battle, Setting the Mind, Stepping out in Faith

I was excited for this semester.  Armed with truths and grace seated in my heart, “victory” around my neck, and a hunger for God to do some amazing things during a time I knew would be challenging, I began the trek.  I was encouraged daily by the ways He was growing me – by the change in my thought life – by the peace He brought to my heart.  So, how did I get to be curled up in my Nana’s lap, sobbing uncontrollably, gasping for air, and feeling like giving up completely?  The darkness that I’ve been fumbling my way through the past couple of weeks has been terrifying.  It’s a place I haven’t been for a while – and every time I find myself here, I’m afraid it’s going to last forever, or I’m going to lose the fight.  

Anxiety and depression used to be every day “frenemies” of mine.  I think back to my freshman year at Keene State – where I’d have an anxiety attack at least once a day.  And two nights ago, the anxiety I’ve been carrying around decided to up the ante, leaving me shaking in the midst of a full blown, all out attack.  I forgot how exhausting it is.  How at the end of it, as you’re regaining your ability to breathe and think, you feel like you just ran the Boston Marathon as a 400-pound individual who can barely walk.  And so, after I powered through making the cookies I’d signed up to bring to my community clinical, I climbed into bed and hoped that I could just sleep for a year.

This past Sunday, my pastor continued to preach the current series on Romans 8.  Oh, how I needed this Truth-filled reminder.  It was all about setting the mind on things of the Spirit, not on things of the flesh.  It’s a battle – an ongoing battle – and there is a lot against me: this world, my indwelling sin, and the enemy.  It isn’t easy.  But God tells us that it’s possible to have power over our thoughts.  We can decide what it is we set our minds on.  And we’re encouraged to set our minds on things of the Spirit – to let the Gospel permeate our minds. 

I’ve been throwing a giant temper tantrum when it comes to my plans versus God’s plans for my life.  Time and time again, I question if nursing is right.  Why?  Because it’s hard.  And I’ve fallen into the lie of ‘I’ve suffered long enough, I’ve been through enough hard times, I want to do something easy and fun.  Why purposely go into a career that it going to be this challenging?’  My flesh is seeking comfort.  It’s seeking ease.  I’d rather crawl up under my blankets and close my eyes and heart to all I need to do, all that God’s calling me to, than do the hard work of surrendering and obeying.

But I’ve seen the slippery slope that comes with thinking, “But I don’t want to,” and choosing self over what God says.  As I lose the motivation to study, I also lose the motivation to read God’s word, which leads to less ability to fight off the attacks of the world, sin, and the enemy, which sets me up to believing more lies that increase my desire to give up.  You can’t win the battle if you give up.  Yes, the war is won.  I know Christ wins in the end.  But He wants to give me so much more than a win in the end.  He doesn’t want me to just join in Him in Heaven when I die – but He wants me to join Him in the abundant life of now – living for Heaven even here. 

I listened to a sermon this morning by Levi Lusko, and something he said jumped out at me: “The devil is dying to rob you of what Jesus died to give you.”  It’s so true.  I have not been living an abundant life these past two weeks – I have not been walking in victory.  I took up my old position of victim once more and tried to placate my aching by numbing my mind through the scrolling of social media.  Looking at Instagram doesn’t take much energy – but boy does it suck the energy right out of you. 

Yes, this constant battle of setting the mind on things above is hard.  And boy, am I tired.  I’m still having to force myself out of bed in the morning.  The darkness is very real.  The enemy is VERY real.  And I am asking my brothers and sisters to please pray for me – because this semester is proving to be very overwhelming.  It’s made me feel more alone than any other time in my life.  I think back to when my mom was going through stem-cell replacement and I was temporary mom to my twin cousins, caregiver and advocate for my mom, and had no close friends.  I didn’t feel as alone then as I do now.  And that’s mind boggling to me, because I have so many beautiful friendships that I’m incredibly thankful for.  So, I need prayer to break out of this darkness.  I want to, by the power of Christ, come out of the woods that I’ve been so lost in.  I want to, by His power, root myself in His Word.  I want to trust Him to give me the strength I need to do the things He’s calling me to do.

The fact that I am writing this, the fact that I’m asking for prayer, the fact that I’m not lying in bed right now (on a day that I don’t have any scheduled place to be) trying to push the responsibilities away by sleeping?  It’s encouraging to my heart, because I know that God’s at work – that He gave me the desire to not stay in that place.  He is telling me to fight with Him – He will do the heavy, spiritual lifting and I’m responsible for taking my steps of faith and obedience.  Ask for prayer.  Get out of bed.  Work on my care plan.  Study what I need to study.  Go to Worcester for my 24 hour weekend clinical.  One day at a time.  One hour at a time.  And all the while, give my breaking heart to Jesus so it can be transformed by His grace into something that He can use for His glory and my good.  Because God is my Perfect Father, I will trust Him and praise Him even here, even now. 

“For to set the mind that is set on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” ~ Romans 8:6

“For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’ The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs- heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.  For I consider that the suffering of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.” ~ Romans 8:14-21