"It's a rebirth.": When Cancer Brings You Face to Face with the Truth of Jesus
I stand at the end of her hospital bed, hands fiddling with my necklace, eyes taking it all in. Her jaw is clenched. Her eyelashes fluttering ever so slightly as she sleeps. Her body small and hidden amidst the sea of blankets. The IV of fluids drip-dripping down through the tube, entering her body via her central venous catheter. (I take notice of the fact that I even know what that medical jargon means.) The bag of goodies she brought to keep her month busy: knitting, my copy of Sense & Sensibility, her laptop and Kindle. Her view of Boston through the large window. A glimpse of the outside world. Where cars zoom past. People on their way to work, home, somewhere.
I take a deep, shaky breath, and whisper a prayer to my Heavenly Father. I know You're in control. I know You love me. I know You love her. You know I love her. I know You work all things together for my good and for Your glory (Romans 8:28). Help me cling to these little, yet huge and profound, Truths.
She opens her eyes, sees me, and smiles. She smiles. Because I'm there. I've done nothing but stand by her. But she smiles. My presence is enough.
And in that quick moment, I realize that's what Jesus offers me. His presence is enough. When I feel tired, and beat up, I know He's standing next to me, and that's what brings a smile to my face. I don't need to have a ten hour long conversation with Him, asking Him to explain why this is happening. I don't need to have a back and forth with Him on theology. I don't need to know what's next. I just need Him. And I've got that. So, truthfully, I have all I need.
Don't get me wrong, it's hard. Painfully hard. But as I, by God's grace...oh, all by God's grace, press on to know the person of Christ, to abide in Him, to trust Him wholly and completely, and to believe His Word, I can rest and lay my hurt and my burdens down at the foot of the cross. And oh, I now see the truth in Psalm 63:3-4,7: "Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands....for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy."
She updates me. Right before I got there they finished returning her stem cells. The whole of it is still very sci-fi-ish to me. A couple of weeks ago I gave her shots for ten days that drew the stem cells out of her bone marrow so they would enter her peripheral system so they could just draw them out of her blood. Then I brought her to Boston where they hooked her up to some machine over the course of three days that pumped out some blood, spun it out so different materials of her blood would separate, and collected the three million stem cells they needed, while it maintained a constant flow of returning her blood to her body. She had to have a few transfusions afterward, but things had gone smoothly. And then we had gone home for a week before I took her and my step-father back to Boston for her six days of high doses of chemotherapy before the seventh day, where they would then return the frozen stem cells to her body. Now we just wait as her counts go down (making her at risk for infection), and then start to go up again.
"Today's my birthday," she says.
My eyebrows wrinkle. "No it's not." I know her "chemo brain" (as she calls it) is slow to remember, but June is far from November.
"It's like I'm being reborn," she clarifies. "It's a new beginning."
The hair on my arms stand on end. There are sharp pinpricks on the back of my neck. The warm, sweet sensation of honey creeping through my veins returns. The rare, yet same sensation I first experienced when I took the step of faith of crying out into the San Diego wind "I choose to believe." (Side note: I say rare because it is. I've experienced this "feeling" maybe 4 times since entering into a relationship with Jesus. Following Jesus shouldn't be based on feelings. It needs to be rooted in His Truth and believing by faith what He says.) I feel the arms of my sweet Savior embracing me.
I hear the words that are so dear and precious to my heart: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come." ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17
I look into her tired, yet sparkling eyes. I am so blessed to have my God graciously give me this tangible picture of what Jesus has done in my life, what Jesus offers every man and woman. A new life. An eternal life. But death has to come first. However it is His death, instead of ours. And because He rose again, we can live too.
Below is some Scripture that the Lord has placed on my heart to dig deeper into. If you wish to read along, then please do! If you've already been worn out with this long post, come back to it some other time :) I pray God would use it how He wishes. May it bless you. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask away!
In John 3, John records how Jesus responded to Nicodemus ("a Pharisee, a ruler of the Jews") who came to Jesus in the night to find out more about who this mystery man was. Jesus said: "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God." (vs. 3) Jesus continues, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God." (vs. 16-18)
This passage points out that all of us, as human beings, are already flawed. We are scarred by the ugliness of our sin. Sin is anything that dishonors and goes against the character of God, who is altogether holy and perfect. This stain keeps us separated from God. "But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life." (Romans 5:7-10)
"Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." (Romans 6:3-11, emphasis added)
"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20)
God Bless,
Ashley
I take a deep, shaky breath, and whisper a prayer to my Heavenly Father. I know You're in control. I know You love me. I know You love her. You know I love her. I know You work all things together for my good and for Your glory (Romans 8:28). Help me cling to these little, yet huge and profound, Truths.
She opens her eyes, sees me, and smiles. She smiles. Because I'm there. I've done nothing but stand by her. But she smiles. My presence is enough.
And in that quick moment, I realize that's what Jesus offers me. His presence is enough. When I feel tired, and beat up, I know He's standing next to me, and that's what brings a smile to my face. I don't need to have a ten hour long conversation with Him, asking Him to explain why this is happening. I don't need to have a back and forth with Him on theology. I don't need to know what's next. I just need Him. And I've got that. So, truthfully, I have all I need.
Don't get me wrong, it's hard. Painfully hard. But as I, by God's grace...oh, all by God's grace, press on to know the person of Christ, to abide in Him, to trust Him wholly and completely, and to believe His Word, I can rest and lay my hurt and my burdens down at the foot of the cross. And oh, I now see the truth in Psalm 63:3-4,7: "Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands....for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy."
She updates me. Right before I got there they finished returning her stem cells. The whole of it is still very sci-fi-ish to me. A couple of weeks ago I gave her shots for ten days that drew the stem cells out of her bone marrow so they would enter her peripheral system so they could just draw them out of her blood. Then I brought her to Boston where they hooked her up to some machine over the course of three days that pumped out some blood, spun it out so different materials of her blood would separate, and collected the three million stem cells they needed, while it maintained a constant flow of returning her blood to her body. She had to have a few transfusions afterward, but things had gone smoothly. And then we had gone home for a week before I took her and my step-father back to Boston for her six days of high doses of chemotherapy before the seventh day, where they would then return the frozen stem cells to her body. Now we just wait as her counts go down (making her at risk for infection), and then start to go up again.
"Today's my birthday," she says.
My eyebrows wrinkle. "No it's not." I know her "chemo brain" (as she calls it) is slow to remember, but June is far from November.
"It's like I'm being reborn," she clarifies. "It's a new beginning."
The hair on my arms stand on end. There are sharp pinpricks on the back of my neck. The warm, sweet sensation of honey creeping through my veins returns. The rare, yet same sensation I first experienced when I took the step of faith of crying out into the San Diego wind "I choose to believe." (Side note: I say rare because it is. I've experienced this "feeling" maybe 4 times since entering into a relationship with Jesus. Following Jesus shouldn't be based on feelings. It needs to be rooted in His Truth and believing by faith what He says.) I feel the arms of my sweet Savior embracing me.
I hear the words that are so dear and precious to my heart: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come." ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17
I look into her tired, yet sparkling eyes. I am so blessed to have my God graciously give me this tangible picture of what Jesus has done in my life, what Jesus offers every man and woman. A new life. An eternal life. But death has to come first. However it is His death, instead of ours. And because He rose again, we can live too.
Below is some Scripture that the Lord has placed on my heart to dig deeper into. If you wish to read along, then please do! If you've already been worn out with this long post, come back to it some other time :) I pray God would use it how He wishes. May it bless you. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask away!
In John 3, John records how Jesus responded to Nicodemus ("a Pharisee, a ruler of the Jews") who came to Jesus in the night to find out more about who this mystery man was. Jesus said: "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God." (vs. 3) Jesus continues, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God." (vs. 16-18)
This passage points out that all of us, as human beings, are already flawed. We are scarred by the ugliness of our sin. Sin is anything that dishonors and goes against the character of God, who is altogether holy and perfect. This stain keeps us separated from God. "But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life." (Romans 5:7-10)
"Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." (Romans 6:3-11, emphasis added)
"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20)
God Bless,
Ashley
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