Blowing the Trumpet: Car Brakes, Counseling, and Christ

I grip my steering wheel a little tighter – knuckles white, eyes wide – as my brakes let me down.  My little car goes coasting over the snowy train tracks despite the flashing lights and the approaching train.  Ah, it was a football field away from me; it’s all good.  I think. And I go on my merry way – with brakes that have needed some fixing since last month – through the snow to work. 

This season of my life has been one of transition and trust.  There were steps of faith that I took, stumbling and bumbling along in the human way.  You know: falling down before idols, being convicted by the Spirit – knowing my Father was jealous for my whole heart, and His broke over my belief in the lies that those idols would save me – and repenting, turning back to His ever open arms.  The repeated cycle of idol worship ends up in scraped knees.  But oh, the wounds our dear Savior suffered to free us from condemnation and shame!

During one particular sermon at my church this past fall, God spoke to me about the next step He wanted me to take.  In talking about the fall of Jericho, God spoke to me through my associate pastor.  Sometimes we build walls around certain areas in our life – to keep God out, and even to keep ourselves in the dark.  But God wants all of us.  He wants to bring His light to the dark places, His healing to the broken.  God told Joshua to walk around the wall and, in faith, blow the trumpet and shout – that’s what would bring the wall crashing down.  Joshua 6:2 says “And the LORD said to Joshua, “See, I have given Jericho into your hand…”  Even before the steps were taken, even before the trumpet was sounded, even before there were shouts…the Lord told Joshua that He had given him the city.  Joshua went on to take the courageous steps and act out the faith-filled, foolish-seeming trumpet blowing and shouting.  And God brought down the walls – to display His power and glory. 

While I felt as though God was calling me to walk towards my own walled in areas, I sat on it for a bit, telling myself I was praying about it.  But really, I was scared.  I was terrified to take those steps towards the walled city of what was now practically unknown to me.  I hadn’t ventured past those walls in so long I forgot what was shoved in there.  Praise the Lord for His unfailing love and amazing patience with my silly and hurting heart.  He continued to tell me that there is no shame in seeking godly counsel and working through the past.  Yes, I am a new creation in Christ, but I can’t just operate from the day I became new, forgetting that the first 21 years of my life were part of His story He’s written for me.  I would be robbing Him of His glory if I didn’t allow Him full access to the pains of the past and the secrets that would make my eyes shut in fear and my heart flutter.  He wants to bring healing.  He wants me to lay them at the foot of the cross.

And so I’ve started taking the steps towards the walled-in city.  And as God brings the walls down – in the story God’s writing for me, there isn’t a crashing down…it feels as though it’s brick by brick – I’m clinging to His promises and by His grace alone, I have faith that He will display His glory.  However, I remember after the first counseling session, feeling shame.  I had been this girl before.  Sniveling on a couch with a woman in front of me, asking me hard questions.  It was when depression and anxiety pummeled the life right out of me.  But now?  I have life in Christ.  There is freedom to look back at the past and to work through it, with Jesus at my side and the Spirit dwelling within me and my Papa working all things together for my good and His glory.

A couple of months ago, when I felt the Lord wanted me to start taking these steps, and I was hesitant to act upon it, I seriously wondered why I had to do it now.  I wasn’t too depressed.  Things were going much better.  My mom was in complete remission (praise the Lord!), I was in an encouraging living environment, I had a community of believers to spend time with, I was being challenged with yet another humbling job, and I was (by God’s grace) becoming quite disciplined in reading and enjoying Scripture reading daily.  Why now?  Why couldn’t it wait?

As I parked my car, I remembered my not-so-good brakes and the train.  I had known for quite some time that my brakes weren’t operating well.  The Lord has blessed me with a wonderful car – I bought it used when I was sixteen and hadn’t really had any problems with it.  Now, their past was catching up with them.  But I continued to brush it off – I’ll deal with them later.  However, when you add  in the circumstance of a snowstorm, and the oncoming threat of a train – it could be a very big problem.  And it almost was.  What would have happened if I had turned the corner half a minute later? 

The Lord used this to open my eyes to why He wants me to stand courageously next to Him and work through my past now.  I don’t know what’s around the corner.  I know not the circumstances that will crop up in my life as He continues to write my story.  And He wants me to process through the past, weed out the lies I’ve believed, bring the hurts to the foot of the cross, and invite Him into the part of my life that I’ve been trying to hide, trusting His goodness all the while.  So I can laugh at the time to come (Proverbs 31:25) and have no fear, for I am perfectly loved (1 John 4:18).  And in Christ, there is no shame.  So, with that being said, I’m just clinging to the Lord, taking this step of faith…sharing my humanness and frailty in hopes that the Lord would use these mere words to encourage someone else. 

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.” ~ Romans 8:1,2

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?  As it is written, ‘For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.’ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 8:35-39