How To Let Go and Go On: Holy Spirit > Self & Strength

I’ve got this, I think, as I grab onto the next red “rock,” pull myself up and step onto the one I had been holding onto not so long ago.  I keep going – determined to prove to myself – and my friends – that I am capable of rock climbing.  I won’t slow down.  I’ve got this.  Just keep going.  Higher.  Don’t slow down.  I smile as I touch the top, I did it!

“Yeah, Ashley!  Okay, now lean back and let go.  Then come back down like you’re rappelling,” says my belayer. 

My smile fades, as my heart plummets to my toes – the ones that are currently being uncomfortably squashed in shoes I would never wear outside of this gym.  Let go?  As in, hold onto absolutely nothing?  The thought made me nauseous.  Lord, help me.  I need to let go, but I don’t want to.  I don’t think I can.  Don’t let me lose heart.  Help me to trust you.  “Okay, hang on!” I call out, buying some time. 

“You have to let go.”  Came his voice, after what felt like ages.

“I know.”  My sweaty palms couldn’t hang on for much longer anyway. 

Please, Jesus.  Help me let go.

I leaned back, releasing my grip, and as I bit my lip, I finally felt the resistance of the rope.  I let out a sigh as I realized I was supported, and started to kick off the wall, and went on my way down to the ground.

I was lightheaded – and disappointed that the new “brave Ashley” had a moment of doubt and fear – when I returned to a standing position.  I looked on as my friend climbed up a harder route, tackling her fears.  I was proud of her, but my heart – seemingly always coming back to getting stuck on “self-centered mode” – was wondering why I couldn’t be the brave girl who had jumped out of the plane last year.  Wondering why I was fine with ascending, but so afraid to let go in order to come back down.  Wondering when I could be the type of girl I wish I could be more than just once in a blue moon – rock climbing, skydiving, bike riding, marathon running.  You know, the stuff I used to say I’d never do.

The friend who invited me walked over to me, “How did you like it?”

“It was fun!” Which was true.  “But it was surprisingly terrifying to let go.”

“It helps if, as you ascend, you slow down and sit back into the harness.  You allow time to feel the support of the belay.”

“Oh.  Yeah, I just kind of powered my way up there without stopping.”

*          *          *

I tend to do this often.  It’s the whole “let me charge on ahead in my own strength” thing.  I probably have blogged about it before.  It wouldn’t surprise me.

When we are convinced that perseverance, growth, transformation – anything with lasting importance in the eternal perspective – is separated from the grace, presence, power, and constant faithfulness of the Sovereign Lord?  Things get messy.  Things always get messy when believing lies.  But praise be to our glorious Papa that He is faithful to reveal Himself to us, so that He may bring us back to a truthful understanding of who He is, and, in light of that, who we are.

There have been times when these truths have hit me like a Mack truck and others when they have slowly seeped into my pores.  This time, it was different.  It was more of a peeling back – removing a scaly layer – a shedding, if you will.  It may not be the most beautiful analogy – but it’s the most fitting when trying to explain how raw and freeing the realization felt. 

This summer, there has been a crazy chaos of two weddings, jumping into returning to life as a student by taking Anatomy and Physiology I and II, and resigning from my home health aide position to start my own services of house cleaning and child care.  And I hit the ground running.  There was no time to slow down.  But I told myself, ‘I’ve got this.’  Of course, it wasn’t as blatant as I make it out to be – it was very much wrapped up in the cover of God will help me to accomplish this.  But hearts and words are often disjointed, and this was the case this summer. 

I went into the summer nursing some wounds.  God had just began to give me hope that healing was not just a far off possibility, but a very present promise that only His power could accomplish.  But despite this hope, my wounds – and the bitter coffee grounds of guilt that were hanging out in the bottom of the strong and fragrant blend that I trust He desires to brew in me – kept me from walking in a way in which I was truly dependent upon Him. 

My local church spent the summer months teaching on the Holy Spirit – a very fruitful series, that I trust the Lord has already and will continue to use to grow and unite our church family.  And so, as I stood there in the rock-climbing gym with my friend’s words echoing in my mind, I realized that I wasn’t abiding.  I wasn’t relying on the strength of the Spirit.  I wasn’t depending on His guidance.  I had a route in front of me – one to becoming a nurse – and I was off, flexing my muscles and feeding my ego. 

Oh, but how feeding one’s ego starves the soul. 

The focus on self was robbing my vision of God’s grace and glory, and the lack of true nourishment was leading to an atrophying in my faith, a deficiency in joy, a diminished bravery, and an increase in sheer terror of failure.  I separated myself from a daily dependence on the Life-Giving Source – and I was reaping the consequences – much to the detriment of my heart, soul, and mind. 

What I needed to do was to slow down, to lean back into the arms of the Sovereign Lord.  And in doing so, my faith in who He is – my faith in His constancy and faithfulness – would grow and strengthen.  If I leaned into Him – abide in the Spirit – I would recognize His presence, I would feel the truth of Him being able to support me – that He can hold the weight of the whole of me.  And I could trust Him enough to let go. 

And in the weeks since?  I’ve got it all figured out and will never have a problem again!

Just kidding.  I’m a human being.  Therefore, an absolute wreck apart from the grace of Jesus.  And boy, do I desperately need Him daily.  It’s up and down – but with each layer that my Papa peels back?  I know He’s constantly pursuing my heart, I know He’s not done with transforming and redeeming me, and I know I’m not responsible for the heavy lifting. And so my prayer is that He would help me to let go and go on in the power of His Spirit. I may have times of not wanting to let go, but He patiently waits near, holding me all the while.  Even if it is just a finger at a time loosening it’s grip.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do.  By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” ~ Romans 8:1-4

“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.” ~ Galatians 5:16 & 17

“For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.” ~ Galatians 6:8

“Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” ~ Psalm 73:23-26