Death and Desire: A Call to an Aching Heart to Awaken

“Yes, that is a great mystery of God,” came my pastor’s unexpected words. 

I had previously talked to a few friends who had lovingly attempted to scramble to answer my questions and try to find the words to steady my wobbly heart.  I’m still thankful to them for the words they spoke – but mainly for the love I felt in their encouragement and willingness to enter into my mess – complete with the ugly cry and, for some reason, never enough tissues. 

I sat there; letting his words wash over my aches.  He didn’t jump into a great lecture of theology.  Yes, in his response, there were promises and truths from Scripture that was shared.  But it wasn’t what I had anticipated.  He didn’t come up with a hard and fast answer that solved everything. 

And it was in this humble and warm response, that God – in His grace – brought me a greater sense of peace and trust in His ongoing goodness and sovereignty. 

It doesn’t make everything better.  She is still no longer on this side of eternity.  And I don’t know what her standing with God was at her last breath. 

Her face still comes to mind, often.  And I still have a hard time going to bed – finding any distraction possible to fill the late hours with.  It’s in those silent and lonely moments before drifting off to sleep that it all comes rushing to mind. 

My mind goes back to those long days of a two week orientation back at the beginning of what was by far the hardest job I’ve had.  She sat across the table – not saying much.  But I remember liking her colorful shoelaces.  And her smile was contagious.

My mind goes back to when we had started working on the same unit.  I remember the laughs at my expense when I endured the most embarrassing moment of my life to date with one of our patients.  The times we were partnered up to accompany patients outside or to the cafeteria. 

My mind goes back to when we realized we both had previously been patients ourselves.  How we had similar struggles.  How we understood that darkness and depression could cause hopelessness that welcomes thoughts and attempts at ending it all.  How we had kept pressing on.  How we were then helping others at the same place we had sought help. 

And this past week?  I couldn’t stop asking God “why save me and not her?” 

Enter my pastor’s words.

I know that throughout this past week of wrestling, and laying prostrate before Jesus, and begging for Him to hold me despite my desire to run away, His grace has been highlighted.  I did absolutely nothing for Him to choose to open my eyes to His truth and to put me in Christ.  I was broken and filthy and a complete mess – spiritually dead, and close to physically dead – when He, in His grace, brought me to a place of recognizing my need for a Savior, believing in what Christ had done, and asking for Him to do what only He could: forgiveness of sins and life everlasting. 

I had previously been blinded and imprisoned.  But the Lord?  He brought me out of darkness and the shadow of death, and burst my bonds apart (Psalm 107:14).  And I’m learning that He is using even this tragedy to stir up my heart and soul’s desire for others to experience this liberation as well. 

This may not be politically correct.  Some may not like this.  But, the truth is that, as one who believes in Jesus and the infallible Word of God, I believe the only way to spend eternity rightly relating to and worshiping the one true Lord, is through putting your faith in what Christ did on the cross.  Jesus said it Himself: “Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’” (John 14:6)  And while you may reel back in offense (as I, too, did the first twenty something times I heard this), I humbly ask you to continue reading this.  If this is what I believe, and I am called to love others as I love myself?  Wouldn’t it make sense to lovingly let others know?  I’m not saying it would be loving of me to force others into believing this – one reason why God gives us free will to choose to believe. 

But to live my life complacent in believing in Jesus for myself, and for the promises in His Word that I can claim for myself without desiring that for others?  And to not be willing to speak what I believe to be true, because I’m more afraid of the temporary consequences than the eternal consequences of the possibility they may never hear the good news?  That isn’t loving others as you love yourself. 

My heart yearns and aches for many of my loved ones – and those I don’t even know – to enter into the same life-giving, transformative, and redeeming relationship with Jesus.  Paul’s words strike a chord in my soul today: “I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh.” 

Truth can be offensive to our pride – but is so liberating once we surrender to it.  I can only cling to the Lord and His grace.  It’s the only thing I can boast about.  And as I realize this, I think of what He calls me to do out of this knowledge of my need of His continuous grace.  I think of the passage that the Lord put on my heart a week before I accepted the challenging job, which led me to meet her:

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion – to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that hey may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.” ~ Isaiah 61:1-4

I am called to be faithful in sharing the Truth – proclaiming Christ crucified, buried, and resurrected – and anything else – the repentance, the knowledge of God’s truth, salvation, and growth in Christ?  That’s God’s job. 

Knowing she died at 26?  I’m once again jolted from a sleeper-state.  I’m once again awakened to the truth that God has graciously been teaching me throughout my 24 years of life: life on this earth is temporary.  But life is eternal for all of us.  The question is:  what kind of relationship will you have with God for the rest of eternity?  One in which He knows you, and you know Him?  Or one in which you have no relationship at all?  God desires all to come to repentance, for 1 Timothy 2 says that God our Savior “desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.” (vs. 4)  But how will people know, if I don’t speak of it?  And I don’t mean an ongoing, harsh, constant yelling – for the record – so, friends and family, don’t worry that I’ll do that. 

This may be a long-winded, disjointed post.  And I’m sorry if that’s the case.  But these words were being pumped out of an aching heart – to the tune of desperate desire.  For the weight of souls isn’t to be made light of.  I pray that God would continue to meet me where I’m at, and continue to show me in His mercy more of who He is.  I desire to see His glory made known among all.  And I’m praying that He’ll help me live an authentic life of genuine relationships where I can be honest, love and serve others, and ask questions.  And that more Christians would be able to cling to the hard and fast truths, but be willing to sit with those who are hurting and enter into a space of admitting there are some things that we just don’t have the answers to. 

“I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.  The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.” ~ 1 Timothy 1:12-15

“because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved…For ‘everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.’ How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news.’” ~ Romans 10:9-10, 13-15

“And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth” ~ 2 Timothy 2:25