Struggles in Singleness: The Trust Issue, The Wrong Question, and the Invitation To Relationship

“So, how are you doing with your feelings towards him?”

I looked down at my lap at my clasped hands.  I became suddenly very aware of the shape of my nails and scowled at the two hangnails I spotted.   But even still, the question didn’t fall on deaf ears – I pictured her words surfing along the sulci and gyri of my brain.

“It’s a mix, if I’m being honest.  Some days are better than others.  I’m pretty much over it, by now.  I just really want to push back against the mindset that I’ve had for a long time– that it’s stupid for me to like someone,” I said while chewing on the inside of my cheek.

I think of my newsfeed that’s swarming with engagements, marriages, and babies.  I’ve joked that it’s more contagious than an infectious disease, and I just must have immunity.  It’s easy for me to write about my struggles with depression, and yet it’s much harder for me to admit that I struggle sometimes with singleness.  It often just seems silly to me.  And so, I usually cope in two different ways: either I make a joke out of it and overdramatize, or I completely avoid it.  Truthfully?  I oscillate back and forth between content and discontent.

As I sit next to my sweet friend – our knees occasionally bumping into each other as we sit on the steps to the church – I take a breath and decide to be honest.  I let God peel back the layers. 

“You know, it’s only partly about him.  Sure, he has some characteristics that I respect, I enjoy his company, and for the first time, I can be realistic about seeing his weaknesses.  But honestly, it’s so much more than him.  I feel like God’s used him and my feelings surrounding dating (so complicated and often changing) as a mirror to reflect me and all my cracks.”

We sit in silence.  I watch the oranges and pinks tinge the darkening sky, and I swat the mosquitoes away from my face. 

“Do you believe God can heal those cracks?”  She asks me.

“Oh, yes.  I know He can speak grace into my cracked places and that He wants to bring healing.  But in terms of relating to guys, I’ve been broken for so long that it’s now just familiar.  If he were to heal me, I wouldn’t know who I’d be.  And that’s scary.  It’s hard to trust that God will be there to walk through the newness with me.”

I bow my head and continue, “That’s mainly what God’s communicating to me through all of this.  I have trust problems.  With guys, sure.  But mainly with Him.  I tend to look at my circumstances and gauge God’s goodness and trustworthiness by that.  I so often compare my story with others and think that God’s been better to them, and bitterness springs up.”

It’s hard to admit, but it’s the truth.  It may not be pretty, but it’s real.  I just keep talking, mainly because she’s still there listening.  My heart, though pricked with sin, finds comfort in her welcoming spirit – her presence and genuine interest in what God’s been teaching me puts me at ease.

“I know God’s telling me, ‘No, Ashley.  My goodness is a direct outflow of who I am – of my character.  Look to that, instead.  Don’t let circumstances be what you look to in order to build your trust in Me – let my character lead you to an increase in trust.  Look to me, sweet daughter.’”

“So many times - during my mom’s battle with cancer, with another death of someone I loved, in processing through the hurt from past guys – I’ve asked God ‘Why?’ ‘Why cancer?’ ‘Why her?’ ‘Why me?’ ‘Why did that have to happen?’ I just keep asking why, and I don’t ever get an answer.  So, I think I’m asking the wrong question.”

“Well, what do you think the right question is, if ‘why?’ is wrong?” 

I looked up at the tree across the parking lot – watched as the leaves danced in front of the magnificent sunset.  The colors were mesmerizing.  The swarm of different emotions subsided and I was overcome with peace.  I answered her a lot more quickly than I imagined. 

“’Who?’ – ‘Who are You, God?’ – ‘Who do You say I am?’ – ‘Who do you say she is?’”

It pierced the cloud of self-pity that had been accumulating around me.  It shifted everything.  Of course! I thought, That makes so much sense!

“For on one hand, that question would mean getting to invest more in my relationship with God, my Father, my Lord.  He invested in His relationship with me first, with His very life.  And out of my gratitude for that, I can respond by seeking to know Him more.  Seeking His very face.  But it also makes sense that asking “Who are You?” is a better way to build trust in Him.”

My heart was soaring with excitement.  My hands were tingling and I was trying to work past being dumbfounded – how had I not realized this before? 

“Asking God who He is will remind me of His character – which will grow my trust in Him no matter the circumstances.” 

She and I commenced praying – and oh, how I sensed the Spirit in a way I hadn’t in a long while.  The peace was overwhelming – the eagerness to seek the Lord was exhilarating. 

“And may we listen to You, Lord, when we ask for You to tell us who You are,” my sweet friend prayed.  My heart leapt – yes! 

“And when You tell us the Truth of who You are, You’ll be preparing us to spot the lies more easily.  For the enemy seeks to steal, kill, and destroy, and for us to know the truth about You can help protect our minds and hearts.”  I added as I talked to my Father.     

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Oh, Lord – let this be the question I go to.  May I ask in the midst of heartache, in the chaos of confusion, in the lonely nights “Who are You, Jesus?”

And some good news, friends?  God has given us the gift of His Word to reveal Himself to us. 

I look at Moses leading the people of Israel in the wilderness.  In Numbers 11, the people complain, though God’s been leading them and providing for them.  And it says that the anger of the LORD blazed hotly and Moses was displeased. “Moses said to the LORD, ‘Why have you dealt ill with your servant? And why have I not found favor in your sight, that you lay the burden of all this people on me? Did I conceive all this people?...If you will treat me like this, kill me at once..” 

I get it.  Oh, Moses, how I feel you.  This is human understanding.  But then look how God responds:  He tells Moses to gather 70 men and bring them to the tent of meeting with him. “And I will come down and talk with you there. And I will take some of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them, and they shall bear the burden of the people with you, so that you may not bear it yourself alone.”  He wants to come talk!  He wants to relate!  He is willing to bless! 

Let me look upon the faithfulness of the Lord and walk onward in whatever season I’m in, trusting that He will guide and provide. 

“Thus says the LORD: ‘Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the LORD. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.  Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD.  He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” – Jeremiah 17:5-8