Confessions from the Girl Who Swore Off Men

 “I’m done with men.”

I don’t know how many times these words have come rushing out of my mouth.  But I do know that they only were spoken when my heart ached with rejection, confusion, or frustration.  I would automatically straighten my spine in an “independent woman” fashion, add another layer or two of brick to the wall surrounding my heart, and swear off men completely. 

Our culture perpetuates the idea that we don’t need men.  We are strong, independent women who don’t need a man to complete us.  And, yes – to some degree, in a slightly different lens, I believe the same.  For me, it comes back to knowing that as a daughter of the Lord, I am fully loved and made complete because of what Christ has done on the cross – and I don’t need a man to “save” me.  A guy doesn’t give me worth.  A guy doesn’t give me meaning.  All of that comes from Jesus.  And truthfully, I think it's slightly dangerous to have the "I'm completely independent" mindset - for then you forget how dependent you really are on God.  I know I need Him, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.

But friends, I think I often forget that we do need men.  We need to walk alongside of our brothers and hear what God is teaching them.  We need their encouragement; we need to be challenged by them.  We need to see characteristics of God that are uniquely displayed in men.  And we need to encourage and challenge our brothers.  We need to share with them what God is revealing to us.  We need to labor alongside of them as we obey our calling to advance the Kingdom here on earth.  We are family.  But honestly, sometimes I get this weird sense that so much of our culture paints this “us” vs. “them” picture, and many of us have fallen into this mindset.

This is my public confession.  I have wronged many a brother in my mind, heart, and with my words.  Yes, a lot of it comes from years and years of hurt and mistrust.  Yes, a lot of it is a kneejerk reaction that I developed when I realized that not all men are “safe.”  But that doesn’t give me the right to exalt myself over men and think that I am right and they are wrong.  That doesn’t give me the right to make the sin that was done be the only story.  All men shouldn’t be defined by the sin done by a few.  And even the few that have directly sinned and hurt me shouldn’t be defined by their wrongdoing.  That doesn’t give me the right to withhold forgiveness, hold onto bitterness, and isolate myself from my brothers. 

Why am I confessing this?  And on a blog post?  Because, I’ve seen that this isn’t something that only I struggle with.  I have heard many of my sweet friends in similar situations – with hearts that are confused and hurting – that choose to build and hide behind a wall.  And, let’s be honest, we say things about our brothers – and even just the whole male species – that are dishonoring.  We say things that, if they heard, would be hurtful and would cause them to feel disrespected.  And yes, a lot of the times it is after we’ve been hurt and disrespected by our brothers.  But please hear me out.

I’m learning that refusing to be the victim when it comes to guys does not mean hardening my heart, becoming cynical, and picking up the flag of independence.  No – victory in relationships is found, once again, at the cross.  Being able to rightly relate to my brothers in Christ all rests on the saving grace of Christ’s shed blood.  He forgave the sins that separate.  He overcame.  Because even when I didn’t deserve it, I was forgiven.  And now He calls me to forgive.  I am a beloved daughter who stands complete in Christ, and because of Him, I am freed to extend grace.  I am freed to have a right understanding of who I am, who God is, and who others are.  I am freed to see the beauty and the brokenness of people all at the same time.  I am freed to celebrate that beauty and freed to carry the brokenness to God in prayer and ask for healing to come.

I do want to make it clear that I do believe some boundaries are needed.  But as I seek God more and more, and call out for wisdom, I can trust Him to help me find the healthy boundaries He wants me to establish.  But I’m beginning to acknowledge that the 1,000-foot brick wall that I – myself – had started building years ago probably no longer has to stand.  I can trust God to help me remove that, and I can ask Him to soften my heart towards my brothers.

Honestly, something that we need to remember is that even when someone wrongs you, when they hurt you, when they disappoint you – they still aren’t your enemy.  We do have an enemy, but it isn’t each other.  Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy.  And if he can divide Christ’s church by having us listen to our feelings more than our Father’s promises, then he’s happy.  Remember Ephesians 6:12: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ladies (and any of my brothers who may be reading), we need to join together in fighting against the true enemy.  One way I’m fighting against the enemy to reclaim victory in this area is by remembering the blessings that so many of my brothers have been to me.  I can choose to remember the good, instead of continually harp on the bad.  I can ask God to help me list off multiple things about my brothers that I am thankful for.

So instead of the flag of independence held up in a prideful manner, I am choosing today to humble myself at the foot of the cross, wave the flag of surrender, and ask for forgiveness.  My heart’s desire is that honoring Christ would happen in all areas of our lives, friends.  May we not conform to this world, but have hope that Jesus is more powerful than any hurts, and that He is doing something beautifully different in His church.  May we push past our comfort zones and our kneejerk reactions to press further into His grace.  May we allow Him to sanctify us further and mature us.  May we have our eyes opened to those around us and think to ourselves how we can be used by God to bless one another – instead of spending our energy on protecting ourselves.  May we speak words that build one another up – that encourage one another to honor God – that bring life.  May we cry out to the Lord to pull out the bitter roots and bring healing to our hearts.  He can do it, friend, trust Him.

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” ~ Ephesians 4:29-32

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.” ~ Romans 12:9-13

“May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” ~ Romans 15:5,6

“I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” ~ Ephesians 4:1-3

“If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” ~ 2 Chronicles 7:14