Grace for the Hard-Hearted

“Return to me.”

My soul heard it. And oh, how I longed to.  But I wasn’t sure if I could. 

I could feel myself putting distance between my heart and the Lord.  I knew my heart was looking to things of the earth to comfort, distract, and numb me.  I lowered my eyes from Him – afraid to look at Him.  Afraid to hear from Him, I could sense myself plug my ears and sing “la, la, la, la.” Afraid to have Him mold my heart, I hid it – I refused to let Him – hardening my heart. The ache in my heart and the sinful nature of my flesh whispered “He can’t be trusted.”

This is not what “fear the Lord” means. This, I know, is the wrong kind of fear. 

But my pride was hurt.  It didn’t seem like God cared about what my plans were.  It seemed like no matter how much I put my trust in Him, I couldn’t escape the pain of a story I never wanted to live.  I think some part of me had believed that if only I could praise Him in the hard times, if only I could trust that God would bring beauty from the suffering – He would either start writing a different story or comfort me in the way I wanted to be comforted, so that I could somehow bear up under the weight.  But He has continued to allow, time after time, this to be part of my story. He has continued to allow, time after time, this cancer to be a part of my mom’s story.  This is the thorn in our side that He doesn’t remove, and He says His grace is sufficient. 

And He didn’t comfort me in the way my heart wanted.  In fact, He allowed me to enter into the trenches of cancer battles with many others.  He allowed me to come face to face with many a last breath. He allowed me the sacred opportunity of holding the hands of the dying and to whisper a quick prayer – simple words – just a crying out to the Lord for His mercy, for Him to come, for comfort for the sobbing family.  And each time, my mind would go back to her – I’d see her face – and my heart would harden more.  Resistant.  Defiant.  Refusing to invite God into the hurt.

If anyone asked how I was – I’d claim that it was what it was – that it’s become part of my normal.  But truthfully, at times, that’s what makes it hurt all the more.  The fact that this was something that she’s had to face since I was 15 breaks my heart.  Sometimes it feels like it’s too much, and my heart longs for something different.

“Return to me, Ashley.”

I would hear it often.  But I’d look at the amount of work I had to do, and I’d look at the clock.  So I’d quickly read His Word just to say I’d spent time with Him, and push it away to drudge through the busy work of nursing school.  I knew I wasn’t really spending time with the Lord – just reading to say I’d done it.  My heart was removed.  My mind preoccupied with other things – anything else. 

And I hated every moment of it.  My journal was filled with pleas for the Lord to awaken my heart again to His glory.  I’d cry out for Him to remind me of His goodness.  I confessed to Him the state of my heart and ask Him to help me to return to Him – I prayed for Him to soften my heart.  I knew that this was not His desire for me – to be far from Him, afraid to spend time with Him.  He desires to be near, He desires to speak to me, He desires for me to cast my cares on Him.  He is not too great to care about the anxieties of my heart; He is too great not to care.  My disgust at the state of my heart, my knowing that this was not His desire, knowing the truth of Him desiring relationship – it was all grace.  He was gifting me with this knowledge in the midst of me trying to numb myself to His truth. 

I knew that I would need to process things with Him.  I knew that I needed to sit down and lay all my worries out on the table.  I knew that the disappointment in my heart needed to be hung out to dry.  But I kept telling myself “once I’m done with this crazy week.”  And I’d just continue on.

Yet, His grace sustained me.  His grace got me through.  His mercy, kindness, and patience have astounded me.  I look back on this semester and see a broken shell of a person carried through by a faithful and perfect Papa who knows each aching heart so intimately.  And that causes my heart to shatter - His grace chiseling my hard heart – revealing a heart of flesh.  It causes humble tears to stream down my face in the middle of a coffee shop as I write this.  I deserve it not.  I recognize this now.  After a morning of reading His word and seeing again and again a loving Father call out to His beloved children to “return to me” – how can I not? 

And even in the return – even in the coming home to a good, good Father, I can’t take any credit for it.  He is the good Shepherd who has come to rescue me.  He has come after me – pursuing me even as I’ve turned away and begun to worship the gods of comfort, of approval of man, of self-sufficiency.  He has spoken tenderly to my heart.  He has caused me to again seek His face, and He has allowed me to find it.  It’s all Him.  He is that good. 

“Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for you are my servant; I formed you; you are my servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by me. I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you.” Isaiah 44:21, 22 

Remembering His grace enables us to repent.  Setting our minds on what Christ has done for us on the cross causes us to tremble in humility – knowing full well that in our sinful natures, we deserved to die that kind of death.  We have nothing within us that will earn our way to a right relationship with a holy God.  It had to be paid for by someone who was holy Himself.  And so Jesus humbled Himself  - a holy God-Man.  He stooped low, took our sins upon His shoulders, and hung on that cross willingly – though He did nothing to deserve it.  His love for us motivated Him.  May we be motivated by this grace – something we did nothing to deserve – to repent of our sinful, rebellious ways and return to our Lord.  To come before Him – trembling in the right kind of fear – and acknowledge that He alone is God.  That He is perfect in all His ways.  May we continuously remember that His ways and thoughts are higher than ours. 

Even if I have to lay prostrate before my Father and ask Him to be my strength through the refiner’s fire – I take comfort in knowing that He desires to relate with me.  He doesn’t mind if I’m real with Him.  He doesn’t mind if I tell Him I’m weary, scared, and don’t understand, with tears in my eyes, and my hands shaking.  He just wants me to come to Him.  To return to Him.  To be in His presence.  And this is good news.  Because, I want that, too.  I don’t want to pretend I can do this life on my own.  I don’t want to pretend like I have the answers.  I don’t want to rely on my own strength and knowledge.  I don’t want to ignore the One who has given me the greatest love I’ll ever experience. I want to dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  I want to taste and see that the Lord is good.  I want to put my trust in the person of Christ and look to the Rock that is higher than I.  I want to climb up on my Papa’s lap in prayer and confess that I am simply a weak and weary sinner saved by His grace, and for that I’m so incredibly thankful. 

He gives grace for me to breathe out praise as my heart breaks.  And I’m learning that that alone is enough.  He isn’t a magic 8-ball or a genie that I can play games with: if I do this, then He owes me that.  No, friends.  He is God.  He is Lord.  And His will is perfect. Not that He doesn’t care and won’t bless me.  But no matter what He does or does not do in my life, the fact is He’s already done more for me than I deserve.  The fact is that my hope rests in the very person of Christ – not in what Christ can do for me.  So no matter how many times my heart is struck with the arrows of disappointment, I can trust in Jesus to be exactly who He says He is.  And I can trust that – because of Jesus – no matter how many times my wandering heart convinces me to distance myself, He will call out to me to return to Him.  I can trust that He won’t give up on me.  And the same goes for you, dear friend.  Whatever hurt you may have, whatever fears you may be crippled by – He cares and He is calling out to you to return to Him.  No matter what this world says – no matter what your sinful nature may whisper to you – no matter the subtle attacks from the enemy: He can always be trusted.

“‘Come, let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.’” Hosea 6:1. 

“He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin an dlive to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.” 1 Peter 2:24,25

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6,7