It's Not About Me

It’s not about me.

I remember learning it the summer everything changed. I remember it setting me free. In San Diego, with the cool night air whipping my hair across my face, this truth opened my eyes. I could see God. I could see other people. And I began to see myself in the right light. Yet somehow, I seem to have forgotten this. I have listened to the world around me, and my own indwelling sin. I have believed the lie that it is about me. I have believed that it’s about my comfort. I have believed that it’s about what makes me happy.

But it’s not about me.

With all of these beautiful souls on the planet, with all of the hearts…how could I actually believe that the whole point of it all was Ashley McKechnie? I know the Gospel. I know how a loving God created a people to love and relate with. I know how they rebelled. I know how the rest of the story was just a bunch of broken and sinful people trying to relate to God but never quite getting it. I know how God was the One with the perfect plan the whole time – to redeem humankind - to restore man and woman back to a loving relationship with Him. I know that the plan was Jesus from the very beginning.

I know that the God-Man humbled Himself to step down into the broken, dirty, and yearning world. I know that as He took the time to look the hurting in their eyes, set His hands on the lame and the sick to bring healing, and sat at the table with prostitutes and sinners – He knew He was going to go to the Cross and lay down His very life. I know that only a sinless Savior could pay the price of our sin and conquer death – a sacrifice no other could make. I know He invites us to trust in Him. I know that it is by His grace that we can trust and obey, and are enabled to hand our lives over in surrender and thanksgiving. I know He can make beautiful out of broken.

I know all of this. And yet, I forget this. In my hurt and confusion, I often distance myself from this. This is the truth I need to be reminded of. Daily.

Because when I start to think it’s about me, I forget that it’s about Him.

This life is about Jesus receiving the glory that He deserves. And it’s not that He’s this cruel, glory-hungry monster – I know some people who think this. No, my friend. He’s loving. He’s good. But He’s also God. And with that comes a glory like no other. A glory that just makes sense to praise.

My transition to working full time as a new nurse has not been easy. And it’s mainly because I have lost sight of the point of it all. I’ve set my gaze on my wants and needs, and not on the purpose of bringing glory to Jesus. And when I lose perspective, everything gets blurry. I no longer see God. I no longer see others the way God views them. And I definitely don’t see myself in the right light. I become so self-absorbed. With praise comes an emotional high, and I crash and burn with any criticism or rejection.

But in the midst of a dark, lonely, and confusing time, God has been faithful to give me glimpses of His heart and His purposes. When I felt like I had hit rock bottom, my mom reached out. She sent encouraging scripture, she prayed for me, she sent me worship songs she had heard on her radio. She sent an article of one woman’s testimony and said that after reading it, she was planning on spending more time with God and trying to trust Him more.

Even if my mom’s desire to draw closer to the Lord is the only thing that comes out of this dark place I’ve been in, it would be enough. It is enough to remind me that it’s not about me. God is always up to something that is far greater than you and I. His purposes are beyond what we can imagine.

It was enough to shake me awake to the precious souls I’ve been entrusted to serve and take care of as a nurse. Yes, it’s a hard job. Yes, I don’t really know what I’m doing yet, and that frustrates me and keeps me humble. Yes, I will have to be patient and continue to work hard to grow my skills and knowledge. Yes, I will never stop learning. But sometimes the hardest things are the most worth doing.

There is a holy something about this job. It is an important and high calling. It’s one that I’ve been hesitant to accept. Sure, I’ve been working as a nurse for just a little over 2 months. But I haven’t truly accepted that this is my reality. This morning, as I woke up from my first night shift, I felt it. I am a nurse. For however long the Lord has me in this position, by His grace, I am going to trust Him to help me be the best I can be for these dear kiddos. I don’t know much. But I want to live in a way that brings Him glory. I get to love and serve the way Jesus has loved and served me. I get to be one with Him as my hands reach out to the sick and hurting. As I cradle the babies in my arms and hush them back to sleep, I get to experience the nearness of my Lord who sings over me.

It’s not about me. It’s about Jesus.

But when I live for Him – when I pour out His love onto others – joy is a natural byproduct. My needs will be met. He will be my comfort. And it’s far more useful to God’s Kingdom than calling it quits and binge-watching Netflix in your pajamas. I want to roll up my sleeves, do the dirty work, and see Jesus get the glory as broken souls are loved on. Don’t you? 

"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of other. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." Philippians 2:3-11

(Currently reading Goliath Must Fall by Louie Giglio and praying to remember Jesus is bigger than the giant of my anxiety and need for control.)