To Nurture and Protect

I cradled the sweet, sick babe in one arm and fed her a bottle in the wee hours of the morning. My eyes were tired, my back ached, and my mind was racing with everything I needed to do. But then, as I took a breath, her little eyes opened – and God opened mine.

I was suddenly struck with how helpless newborn babes are.  They are utterly dependent on someone to care for them. They need to be fed on average every 2 to 3 hours and someone has to feed them.

Her little hand opened – her delicate fingers reaching out. She was so fragile. And in this moment, tears began to fall down my face. At first I thought it was because it was the hard hour of four in the morning, but then I realized it was because I felt the presence of the Lord so strongly.

You are no different than her, my darling.

I let out a shaky sigh, and realized my Lord was reminding me how desperately needy I am. Oh, how I’ve forgotten this in my desire to prove myself capable.

You need Me. You need to be fed more often. You’re starving, my child. You can trust me to take care of you. I know you’re fragile, and trust Me, my sweet, I will keep you safe.

I am in desperate need of His help, His love, His care. So, why do I hesitate to draw near to the One who sustains my very life? Why do I believe the lie that He doesn’t care?

I think it’s because I’ve been angry that He doesn’t seem to meet my desires in the way I think He should. I pictured a very different life than the One He’s given me. Sometimes I feel awkward in admitting this, but when I was little I thought I would be a young mom. There is something so beautiful, precious, and holy about motherhood. As a little girl, I cared for all of my baby dolls in preparation for my future. I had such a desire to nurture and protect.

But God had other plans. Good plans. His perfect plan. And my human heart goes back and forth from being content with His plan and having contempt for His plan. Seeing many of my friends become moms has been exciting and lovely – but it also has stung and made me wonder when I will be called “mom.” I’m asked at work if I have any kiddos of my own, and my heart aches when I repeatedly have to say no.

But in that moment, with this little babe in my arms, I realized God has answered my prayers and met my desires in a roundabout way that isn’t exactly what I wanted, but shouts of His grace and faithfulness. He has gifted me the ability to nurture and protect. They just aren’t my babies. I get the holy gift of entering the lives of so many precious little ones – at work and at church. And it’s amazing at how much love my heart has for them without them actually being mine. I can’t imagine how the heart can grow enough to carry the amount of love one must have for their own child.

And I’m overcome with a sweet thankfulness as I realize God’s love for me is so much more than I can fathom. He nurtures and protects perfectly. He knows exactly what we need, and He meets those needs.

I spoke to a group of women at a church retreat a few months ago about unfulfilled desires. It was in terms of singleness and desiring a husband. However, the lesson applies to my desire of being a mother as well. I spoke of Hannah’s story from 1 Samuel. She yearned for a child and yet she was barren. Her husband asked her, “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?” Aren’t we always longing for something more? Being satisfied with our stories and being content with what we have doesn’t come naturally to us humans. We get what we’ve been waiting for and then automatically start thinking about the next thing we want. I am so guilty of this.

Hannah went before the Lord and poured her heart out to Him. She wept before Him over the unmet longing in her heart. She asked Him for the gift of a son and then vowed that if He gave her this gift, she would offer him back to the Lord. This part is something that we tend to overlook. We often accept the gifts that God gives and say “thank you” but then we think of them as ours. We think it’s our right to get what we want. But we shouldn’t hold onto God’s gifts with clenched hands, trying to keep them for ourselves. Gifts are meant for open hands, knowing they are from the Lord who gives and takes away. We should always remember God uses the gifts He gives us for His glory. We need to allow Him to do so.

The unmet longings we have are meant to point us to the One who satisfies completely. They are supposed to remind us that this world can’t fulfill us in the way a relationship with the Lord of the Universe can. But He still invites us to ask Him. Hannah did receive a son – in due time. She still had to wait for His perfect plan.

I may never get married. There are no guarantees in the Bible that says He will give me a spouse. I may never get to be a mom the way my heart longs to. But – God does call us to care for orphans. And my heart has desired to adopt since I was a little girl. And thanks to some brave women who have adopted in their singleness – as incredibly hard as it may be – I know that perhaps one day I can do so as well. I don’t know His plan. But I do know I shall be faithful to where He has me now: loving and caring for babies who call other women “momma.” And oh, how I’m thankful to a Heavenly Father who loves and cares for me and doesn’t scoff at me for my desires. He invites me to pour my heart out to Him and trust Him.

Now, may I allow Him to cradle me – may I desire intimacy with Him. May I hunger for the pure spiritual milk of His Word – and may I take it in, so that I may grow. I want to remember that I truly have tasted the Lord’s goodness in my life and desire to seek Him more. May I not be afraid of drawing near to the One who knows me and who loves me. May I surrender my desires to Him. May I know that He will not only meet my needs but my desires in a better way than I could ever imagine.

“Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation – if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good.” 1 Peter 2:2,3

“These all look to you, to give their food in due season. When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are filled with good things.” Psalm 104:27-28

“Thus says the LORD: ‘Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the LORD. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:5-8