Dating in the Church: Stop Playing Games. We've Got Work to Do.

Photo Credit: Shannon Giselle Photography

As I prayed, surrounded by three of my sweet sisters who had just shared their frustrations and confusion with guys in the church, I felt a passionate desire for something better. My heart ached for the confused men and women in the church who don’t know how to navigate dating. I drew upon my frustrating experiences over the course of the past four years; recalled what my sisters have been through, and even the experiences certain brothers in Christ have shared with me. It’s been a hot mess, y’all.

“Lord, would you help us to lift our eyes off of the mess of the here and now and remember the bigger picture? Father, remind us that marriage is not what we are put here for – that we have a higher calling. Help us to not get so tangled up in the temporal things that we miss out on investing in the eternal things. Would You, Lord, help us to be united – would you shatter the Us vs. Them atmosphere? Help us to be women who are gracious, kindhearted, humble, patient, and forgiving of our brothers, even when we don’t agree with their behaviors. Help us to remember that we don’t have it all figured out either. Would you do something mighty, Lord? Can you please change this frustrating field of singleness and dating in the church? We are Your church, Lord – help us to be of one mind. Help us to love one another and spur each other on in the call to make Christ known. It’s in the precious name of Jesus Christ that I pray these things, Amen.”

I looked around at my sisters and saw such beautiful, Jesus-loving women. I know they desire marriage just as much as I do. But I also know they have been battling doubt that it will ever happen just as much as I have.

Ghosting. It’s a phrase that I only learned recently, but I’ve experienced it for years. It’s when you’re talking to someone and then they just drop off the face of the planet. No more communication. And you’re left confused, hurt, and if you’re like me, angry. It’s become more prevalent in talking to sisters in Christ. It’s not just for the secular world of dating. And in practicing humility, my sisters and I have admitted to ghosting guys, as well.

There is the super intentional approach – where the guy doesn’t approach the woman until he’s determined he could marry her. And when she breaks it to him that she would prefer to be friends, he doesn’t know how to interact with her anymore as a friend and so the friendship ends. This one, unfortunately, is really common. And it frustrates me to no end. Can I just remind us that we are all more than just potential spouses? We are co-laborers. If someone doesn’t want to date you, you don’t get to just ignore him or her. Sure, your interactions may be different; I totally understand having to pull away from a friendship to some degree, but deciding not to say “hi” to a sister or brother or completely drop them is hurtful. It makes them feel like they don’t matter as a person.

And there is just an overall lack of communication. As a nurse, I know that communication is of utmost importance in making sure everyone is on the same page and that the plan of care is being carried out. Whatever the mission is, it is better accomplished if everyone knows what is going on.  In the church today, there is a lot of confusion, frustration, gray area, and assuming when it comes to single men and women. Why are we so afraid to talk to one another? Why do we balk at the thought of being upfront and honest about where we are at, what we are thinking, what we are feeling?

Don’t get me wrong – I believe that we should definitely be prayerful and discerning in what we share with one another. I’ve been told things by brothers where I’m just left in shock and wondering “Why on earth would you tell me that?” I’ve probably said something to a brother that was a bit much and wasn’t helpful. But perhaps we should start taking these messy steps towards more clarity.

I’ve been taught many different approaches about being a single woman in the church since becoming a Christian in 2011. I’ve been confused as to what my role should be. I’ve thought I had to stay completely quiet and let a guy approach me, but then quickly learned they didn’t know I was interested (even though I thought I was flirting by letting them talk to me…yeah, I’m a mess). I’ve been told that it’s okay to let a guy know that I’m interested. I’ve been told that it’s okay to ask a guy out to coffee. I’ve been told not to do anything - God would bring a man to me in His perfect timing – as if He was going to deliver a man to my door via UPS. I’ve been told that I can ask brothers what their intentions are – this is the only one I’ve been able to do. I’ve been told I’m too picky. I’ve been told it’s my job as a female to respond to a brother who takes the courageous step of asking me out with a “yes” – even if I don’t want to. I’ve been taught that I need to give every guy a chance. I’ve been taught to not settle.

I am confused. And know I’m not alone in this.

“Guard your heart.” I’ve heard this quoted many times when it comes to singleness. But perhaps, guarding one’s heart can come through honesty, clarity, and communication. Maybe stewarding one’s heart can be done in a healthier way. God isn’t a God of confusion, but of peace. Can we please start talking?

Marriage isn’t meant for us as individuals. God didn’t create marriage to be “me”-centered. It’s not to get everything we want. It’s to make much of Christ and it’s one context in which God can sanctify us. We need to put the needs of others before us. So, why not start thinking now about one another and what will be helpful for our brothers and sisters?

Let’s build each other up. Let’s encourage and challenge one another. Let’s give grace to one another. Let’s forgive one another. Let’s remember that the enemy is afraid of us being unified and will use whatever he can to get us to be at odds with one another. Let’s pursue peace and unity in Christ.

Brothers, sisters - can we please stop playing games? We’ve got work to do. Holy and hard work. Work for the advancement of the Kingdom. Work that is supposed to make ripples in eternity and last forever.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Colossians 3:12-17

“Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:25-32