It's Okay, I'm Okay, It Will Be Okay

“How are you doing?” He asked, as he cut up the chicken. His back was to mine, as I focused on slathering the Texas toast with butter.

I took in a shaky breath and slowly exhaled. “I don’t know.”

“It’s okay. Nothing good ever happens fast. We have to wait. It’s okay.”

I continued to butter the toast in a methodical way, trying to make sense of this.  I wondered if I heard him right.

Days earlier, I was heading toward my car and my stepdad was adding some sticks to a pile in our front yard. He asked me how I was doing so I paused for a bit, telling him where I was. 

“Ash, only weak people don’t ask for help. You recognized you needed help, and you asked for it. We’re going to get through this.”

I walked to my car in a daze. I couldn’t believe it.

*          *          *

“Hey, how’s work going?”

I had expected it. Why wouldn’t people ask? But each time, I’d cringe inside, wanting to turn around and run away.

“Um…” I would start.

They would inevitably tell that something was up. My face can’t hide anything.

“My anxiety and depression started to get really bad – what with the fast paced setting, the stress, and the sleep schedule. So, I had to pump the breaks. I’m resting right now, and then will reassess and find a better fit for me.” I would rattle off, in one breath – trying to tie it up nicely in an elevator style pitch.

“Good for you!” People would say. “I’m sorry you had to find out that way that it wasn’t the right fit, but I’m proud you did something so soon instead of waiting for something really bad to happen.”

I’d nod and say thank you.

*          *          *

Whether it was my stepdad or friends at church, I kept expecting a different response. I expected someone to chuckle and say they thought it was just a matter of time before I couldn’t handle the stress. I expected someone to say what I was thinking: “what a failure.”

It hasn’t happened, though.

As for me? I don’t know how I’m doing. I’m okay. I’m taking it one day at a time. I’m spending time with friends. I’m reading bits of Scripture in hopes of whetting my appetite for a bigger bite than what I’m able to stomach right now. I’m going for walks. I’m listening to worship music. I’m going to church every Sunday. I’m going to my prayer group every week. I’m trying not to skip meals. I’m taking the medicine and looking out for side effects. I’m going to counseling. But I'm still lonely. I'm still sad. I'm still frustrated. I'm still confused. But it's okay.

I keep thinking that I should have it figured out by now. I look around at friends and I see marriages, families, homes, and jobs. And then there’s me. As a young girl, never did I imagine a life where I’d be 27, with no significant other, moving back in with my mom, and walking away from what I thought was the textbook perfect job. I feel the weight of my expectations. I feel the pressure of the culture today. I grieve the lost dream of a young girl who had dared to hope for a fairy tale like the books she escaped to daily.

I have tried so hard to run away from “Weak Ashley.” I’ve tried to leave behind “Victim Ashley.” I’ve gritted my teeth. I had resolved to push myself. I decided to go back to school three years ago and hadn’t stopped running since. Sleepless nights. Long, stressful days that stretched me in ways I’d never been stretched. I was up for the challenge and wouldn’t back down. Even though I had headaches, body aches, rising anxiety, trouble breathing, a growing deep sadness, and palpitations, I kept going. I wanted to be strong. I wanted people to see how much God had grown me. I wanted to glorify the Lord with how much I could handle. *Face palm*

Yes, I have missed the point. I think I’ve missed the real heart of God these past three years. In my mind, He wanted to strengthen me by giving me hard things I had to endure. I kept thinking that this was my refiner’s fire. And perhaps there is some truth in those statements. But I believe, in pumping the breaks and entering a season of rest, God is teaching me that He’s always wanted me to embrace my weakness. He doesn’t want me to be strong; He wants to be my strength. I believe that He’s teaching me that He has made me with limitations for a reason. I can only do so much. The little that I can do is fueled by His grace. And His grace is big enough to cover the things I can’t do. I’m not God. I’m incapable of being all the things to all the people all the time. Even though I so desperately want to.

As my stepdad said, it’s not going to happen quickly. I will wait on the Lord. He’s growing me in His timing – not mine. He’s a God who works in His own ways – not mine. I will, in my brokenness, in my exhaustion, in my weakness – trust that He will bring healing and provide the guidance that I keep asking for.

And in the meantime, I will take it one day at a time. I will trust that my seeking God’s face won’t be in vain. I will bring my confused heart to the foot of the cross and ask Jesus to help me put my hope fully in Him. Truthfully, I’m tired of putting my hope in other things. Perhaps, friend, you need a reminder to put your hope fully in Christ as well. Perhaps you have put your hope in this world, too. Perhaps you also forgot that we aren’t made for this world – and that we have something so much better coming. It will be okay. It's all going to be okay.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9,10

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade – kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.” ~ 1 Peter 1:3-5

“Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.” ~ 1 Peter 1:13