I'm Engaged to Tim Tebow...According to my Mother

Photo From Tim Tebow Foundation

“Guess what!”

“Tim Tebow messaged you!” My mom jokingly guessed.

I roll my eyes and let out a sigh.

“A mom can dream.”

It’s been happening for years, but it’s becoming more frequent these days.

She refers to Tim Tebow as her future son-in-law, she sends me pictures of him often, and she says she is going to write to him about me. Obviously the likelihood of Tim Tebow and I even meeting is slim to none, let alone him actually marrying me. I know this. I’m pretty sure my Mom knows this…(right, Mom?).

She has her reasons. One, he’s a Christian. I keep telling her that’s not where the list ends, that’s where it starts. Being a Christian is a pre-requisite, yes. But it would be helpful if I knew the guy, I tell her with a laugh. I point out that there are a lot of Christians out there – it’s just a little sparse in this area. For example, when she comes to church with me, she’ll point out a guy and ask me “What about him?” I try not to roll my eyes as I explain that he’s married.

Reason number two – and I’ll admit this one is a plus – is that he’s stated that he has a heart for adoption. I’ve wanted to adopt for many, many years. As a little girl, I’d watch adoption stories and just start crying uncontrollably at the beauty of it all. So, yes, I would love to be with someone who also wanted to adopt. But, I once again tell her that he’s not the only Christian man who wants to adopt. Granted, it’s not like I run into a lot of these fellas. But, I digress.

Reason number three is I think where we get to the heart of it all. My mom wants me to be taken care of.

Recently, with everything that has happened, I’ve had to move back in with my mom. I’ve had to rely on her to help me with “adulting” when my anxiety is really high. Insurance has been a big one. During one of her tutoring sessions over what questions to ask, she went into a full on lecture mode. She said she won’t be around forever and I need to know that I shouldn’t pay a medical bill until I see it on my explanation of benefits, that I need to know how to pay my mortgage (even though I am no where close to owning a home), and on and on. I looked up at her, feeling my anxiety rise with each passing minute, and said “Why don’t you just write this all down in a Life Tips Manual for me? Mom, I’ll be fine. How did you figure out all of this? You just did it. It’ll be okay.”

I get it. I do. She’s my mother and she tells me how often she stays up at night thinking about me and my cousins, and what we’re going to do without her. All of her 12 years of battling non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and chemotherapy after chemotherapy has battered her immune system down to nothing. She’s been sick and has had a sinus infection for almost 9 months. She’s had the flu the past two years, this year is a doozy already, and she’s paranoid she’s going to get it again. She will say in passing that she doesn’t know if she’s going to make it much longer. I usually just say “Mom, stop it.” But she’s looked me in the face and told me it’s a legitimate fear of hers and that it is reality.

On the handful of occasions when my loneliness and desire for a husband lead me to crying into her shoulder, she’ll say that she prays God will bring someone soon, because she’d like to be alive for the wedding. No pressure, right? But I get it. She’s being genuine. I don’t think she’s purposely trying to put any pressure on me. But in the back of my mind, I’ve had a deadline looming in my mind. Her leaving this side of eternity is a reality that will happen one day. I know this. It’s life. And one of my greatest fears is that I’ll have to navigate that horrible reality alone. I fear that I won’t survive it.

The reality is that people aren’t our property. We don’t own them. We don’t control them. We can’t keep them forever. They’re gifts from our Heavenly Father. We are supposed to keep them in an open palm. He gives and He takes away. And we have the choice to curse Him or bless His name. To be bitter that we didn’t have more time, or to give thanks for the time we had.

Recently, I found out that my best friend is moving away. At first, I was bitter. Because it felt like it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It felt like every area of my life was ripped out from underneath my feet. It seemed like the Lord was just stripping it all away. I started telling myself that it was selfish of me to be sad. That this move was going to be good for her. That I deserved it because I relied too much on her, that I loved her too much. But that is not God’s heart. And that isn’t why the Lord is having her move. It’s not about me. There’s a bigger story going on. And I have to trust Him. But, thanks to some other friends, I’ve been reminded that it’s perfectly okay for me to grieve the fact that my best friend is moving away. So, I’ve been crying a lot more without feeling guilty.

It has, however, made my fear of being alone flare up again. In high school, I had a hard time when 5 family members died over the course of two years, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and my friends at the time were bullying me. That’s when my fear of being abandoned and alone was at an all time high. Which, looking back, makes sense. And so now, at age 27, a decade later, I am back at home with my best friend moving away, another friend possibly moving away for two years, other friends who have other priorities that take up a lot of their time and energy, a sick mom who talks of her impending death too much, and twin cousins who are a year away from turning 18. And it feels a bit lonely.

So yeah, I get my mom’s desire for me to marry Tim Tebow. Well – the heart behind her desire for me to marry him. I, too, desire someone to provide, protect, and be my best friend. I long for security and love. Oh boy, do I.

But the reality is I have all of that already. I know some people will roll their eyes at this. I’m sure you’ve heard of those Christian girls who wave their hand and say, “Well, I’m married to Jesus Christ.” But, hear me out.

The Lord has been protecting me, providing for me, and loving me my whole entire life. And I have only been Christian for 6 years. He protected me through the years I didn’t know Him. I could have died when I tried to commit suicide three years before I decided to follow Him. He put on my heart a desire to wait to have sex until I was married when I was 12, even though everything and everyone around me was teaching me that it was normal to engage in sexual activity outside of marriage. Lord knows what I could have gotten into if I were part of the popular clique, as I know I have an addictive personality and then there’s that whole genetic thing, but thankfully I was so, so not popular. It could have been a lot worse when my car spun around three times in the snow and off the road on the Taconic State Parkway the winter of 2011, but I ended up on a flat tiny patch of grass in between a ditch and a guardrail. And I decided that I’d ask my friend Liz about this Jesus guy when I saw her next, because all of a sudden the truth seemed urgent. And those are just a few examples.

The ways He has provided for me and protected me since becoming a Christian is completely humbling and baffling and, at times, has made me laugh out loud. He is absolutely amazing. His love knows no bounds. Jesus is my security. He is the foundation on which I can build my life. I know that He will always take care of me. Whether I’m single, married, have tons of friends, or no friends at all. I’ve seen Him walk me through so many different seasons and He has never failed to take care of me. When I was “all alone” in high school, He had the school nurse invite me to have lunch with her. When I came back home from college and was taking care of my mom and cousins when she was getting stem cell replacement, the Lord became my best friend. Then the Lord blessed me with some of the greatest friends I have ever had. And so yes, some of them have gotten married and moved away, others have moved away for jobs, and others have just moved on to a different season in life. But I am not alone. And I know that I’ll be okay.

Yeah, my friends will tell you that I also joke about Tim Tebow being my future husband. Why? Well, because a girl can dream. But at the end of the day, I know that the Lord is writing my story with the utmost care and nothing is an “oops” with Him as the author. So, I can just relax, and know that whatever the Lord has for me is going to be good – because it’s going to bring Him glory. And whether He gives or takes away, I will always bless His name. And there’s no point in being anxious about when people will leave. That’s up to Him. I will just keep trusting Him, obeying Him, and loving others as best as my human heart will let me. And one day, in His timing, I will enter the other side of eternity with all the rest who have put their trust in Jesus and this is something that is secure because of the cross. It’s something I can rest assured of. And that is a security I will never get with any human.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?....But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” ~ Matthew 6:25-27,33-34

“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me….I have received full payment, and more. I am well supplied, having received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent, a fragrant offering, a sacrifice acceptable and pleasing to God. And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen.” ~ Philippians 4:11-13,18-20

“Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.” ~ Psalm 37:3-5

“The LORD looks down from heaven; he sees all the children of man; from where he sits enthroned he looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth, he who fashions the hearts of them all and observes all their deeds. The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength. The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue. Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love, that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you.” ~ Psalm 33:13-22