Broken & Given

“This fall I’ll be working on the same oncology unit that my mom has been a patient in many times before.  Those nurses were actually a part of what inspired me to pursue nursing.” 

We were sitting out on her back deck, lingering after dinner.  Her welcoming spirit put me at ease, and the honesty spilled forth. 

“I’m also currently doing my psychiatric rotation in a hospital that I was a patient at back in high school, due to depression and suicidal ideation.”

I ignored and pushed past the fleeting discomfort and desire to keep this quiet. 

“Really, I’m so honored for the opportunity to see these places in a new role.  It’s encouraging to see God redeeming those really hard times.”

This new friend began to open up and share how God is also redeeming her past.  The reminder of the character of our Heavenly Father encouraged my heart, which was previously burdened by earthly distractions and anxieties.

*          *          *

I may be able to rejoice at God’s redemption in bringing me back to these places now.  But as a fifteen-year-old who watched her mother dwindle down to a size zero after being diagnosed with cancer, I just felt broken. As a sixteen-year-old girl in an empty hospital room - across the hall from a teenage boy whose idol was Jeffrey Dahmer, I wasn’t rejoicing.  In those times, hope was a foreign word.  Healing didn’t seem possible.  Darkness was everywhere, and it didn’t matter what others said – I was swallowed whole. 

Broken Pieces is the new title of this blog.  I was encouraged, recently, in a writing intensive with my favorite author to be brave, own my own voice as a writer, and to keep taking steps forward.  So, I bought my own domain name.  I made a few changes to the aesthetics.  And I changed the title – choosing something less lengthy, but more real.  The meaning of this title is something I feel I need to share.

A year ago, I was reading Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot.  She quoted Ruth Stoll at one point, and the words jolted through my heart – awakening it.  I copied them into the front of my Bible, so I wouldn’t forget them.  “If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad.” 

This world is broken.  In just the past few months, my heart has been wearied from hearing of how this brokenness is playing out across the nations.  I’ve wept over the heaviness that seems to be sitting in all of our hearts.  I’ve prayed for Jesus to come back and make all things right – to wipe away all tears.  Brokenness doesn’t feel good.  And we often want out.  But if God is sovereign over all things – if we are never really victims, but just vessels for His glorious story of redemption – then we can trust that there is a purpose for being broken. 

I think of the time when Jesus fed the five thousand with five loaves and two fish.  I probably would have been on the same page as the disciples – wondering how in the world five barley loaves and two fish could feed all of these people.  It may have been enough to satisfy the twelve, but about five thousand men – plus women and children, which would bring the number closer to ten thousand?  But, even still, Jesus asked the disciples to bring them to Him.  He looked to heaven and said a blessing – He gave thanks.  And then He broke the loaves and gave the pieces back to the disciples -  He told them to give them out.  When everyone had eaten and was satisfied – there were twelve baskets full of broken pieces remaining. 

In handing over what we think is enough for ourselves – Jesus performs the miracle of multiplying and bringing about an even greater blessing.  It reveals His glory, His power, and His heart of desiring more for us.  We could just be satisfied with the comforts of an unbroken life – but we’d be missing out on the miracle of Jesus using these pieces to provide for more souls.

When you have surrendered your life – including all the broken parts – to Christ and you bow your knee to Him as Lord – things don’t get easier.  As Christians, we are also called to share in Christ’s sufferings.  Don’t be surprised when more brokenness comes.  We’re called to pick up our crosses and follow in the steps of Christ.  And when you look at what Jesus did, you’ll see that even He allowed Himself to be broken and given freely.  The Heavenly Father “did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all” and in this, the world is blessed with the gift of grace that redeems us and brings us home. 

When we’re broken – we don’t always see the point of the suffering.  But hear me when I say, you’ll be overjoyed when you hand it all to Jesus, trusting that He will bless it, and obeying when He tells you to give the pieces away.  Because, truthfully, we’re all bruised, broken, and just plain busted up.  This world doesn’t need you to keep your broken hidden – give it away and trust Jesus to bring redemption and healing. We're all hungry for this - and Jesus invites us to join Him in feeding the multitudes.  He ultimately is the One performing the miracle.  But please don't miss out because you're too afraid to be broken or to give the pieces away.  Be brave in your broken, and His glory will be revealed, friend.

“Yet is was the will of the LORD to crush him; he has put him to grief, when his soul makes an offering for guilt, he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days; the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand. Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied; by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant, make many to be accounted righteous, and he shall bear their iniquities.” ~ Isaiah 53:10 & 11

“The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand.  I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread. He is ever lending generously, and his children become a blessing.” ~ Psalm 37:23-26